Just when I think I have my Self all figured out, I change my mind again. My heart and my brain still feel to be pulling in different directions. One wants to save the world, and the other wants to retreat away from it all, possibly build a little bubble like community, a “back to the land” commune with a nearby surf break. I have had mixed reviews on how others experienced being 25. For some it was the worst year ever, or a memorable one, possibly transformative, or they maybe would rather not talk about it. 25 years of age is said to be a confusing time (according to the top hits on google) maybe because your realizing your adultness, but often haven’t got it sorted yet.

My half birthday is today, so I can say with half confidence that 25 is a transformative time. I am a little more mature, and have accentuated some of the values I have collected that I want to maintain. I feel like I am in some precipice-like life moment, and hanging on for dear life. I haven’t the clarity in where I am about to fall. I do have a strong feeling though, that the answer is in me somewhere. This year is teaching me I need to listen. That it is time for me to accept, and slow down. I feel like the spirits keep shushing me. My former patterns of overfilling my time aren’t working, and have never really worked. There is a nagging feeling I need to clear out for what is coming. That silence and space is the most necessary thing for me. I have the next three weeks off from work. I have gone over and through all sorts of different ideas of what to do. It seems most urgent that I do as little as possible. That I just Be, for a little bit. Just read and write and be creative in a safe and quiet place. I haven’t taken time for that, ever. Recently I was journaling along these same thought lines, and decided to pull a tarot card. Just one, and it said Silence.

“now is a very precious time- it will be easy for you to rest inside, to plumb the depths of your own inner silence. To the point where it meets the silence of the universe. There’s nothing to do, nowhere to go and the quality of your inner silence permeates everything you do … Seek out those who can resonate with your silence, or enjoy your aloneness. Now is the time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that come to you in these moments will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of your life. ”

-my tarot card.

The winter solstice is a week away, and coincides with a new moon. The new moon carries its own opportunity for intention, and alongside with the solstice it is an especially sacred day.  It is a spiritually renewing time as we step over the threshold from shortening days, to the uprising of the suns strength. As days lengthen, we can carry and build along with it as we like. I am going to a solstice gathering, and ceremony on Lopez Island, then spending the following two weeks house sitting up there. I don’t feel lost but I do recognize that I have not landed yet in an awareness of my greater purpose. Though I feel like I’m unfolding slowly, and if I can be quiet enough in my mind, and open in my heart maybe I can get a little closer.